Having Win/Win Conversations – The Four Steps Of The NVC Process
December 30th, 2009
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by Mitchell Dahood, M.A. · Filed Under: Uncategorized
As a continuation of my last post regarding having win/win conversations with family members, I would like to briefly introduce the four steps of of the Non-Violent Communication process. They are as follows: 1. Observations, 2. Feelings, 3. Needs, 4. Requests. These four steps are outlined in the chart below.
To me the steps are very helpful in that they give you a direction to go and a positive outcome to focus on. However, I would recommend that you not be overly concerned with getting the steps “right”. The process is more about your intention to have equal concern about the needs of the other person as you do your own and seeking cooperation to ensure that everyone involved gets their needs met.
To get a sense how the process can be used in a real life situation, I have included an excerpt from Marshall Rosenberg’s book Non-Violent Communication. In it he describes a very difficult situation in which the outcome could have been very different (perhaps even violent), had he not utilized the tools & process of non-violent communication.
I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus:“Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing…
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
| I: | Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.) |
| He: | Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country! |
| I: | So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence? |
| He: | Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us? |
| I: | Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions. |
| He: | You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books? |
| I: | I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . . |
| He: | That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here! |
| I: | You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions? |
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
Are beginning to see how you might approach your more difficult communications in a different way than you have in the past? I certainly hope so. There is far too much pain and suffering that occurs when people are more concerned with being “right” than trying to understand the needs of the other person.
To find out more about NVC you can go to http://www.NVC.org
You also might want to listen to my interview with Jeff Brown in which we discussed the use of NVC in several difficult situations. The link to that interview is in the previous post. I would to hear about any experience or feedback that you have.
Because I am away from my home office this holiday season, and the technical resources I normally rely on are not available, I will be taking a break from the “Chakra Series”, and resume on January 8, 2010. In the mean time, today I want to look at an area that I believe is responsible for a lot of unnecessary suffering. The area is communications with family members, especially during the holiday season.
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